Then yes, I believe you are coping. I really believe If you make it to your 30’s and still think hitting children is a good way to teach them lessons, it’s because there is something broken inside of you.

You have to add yourself to communities that have things you’re interested in and then sort by “subscribed” to see the relevant post. Theres not nearly as many people on Lemmy as a lot of the other social media sights, but there’s also somehow more “real” people too. Like reddit gets a lot of activity on post but a good percentage of that activity is from bots and children and you don’t really have valuable discussions anymore. Lemmy reminds me of reddit before the cool kids found it.

I am curious how old you are now to hold that perspective. I used to believe I deserved to be abused as well. I was an awfully misbehaved kid and my mom was constantly fighting me, like fist-fighting me, because I would fight back. At no point in my life was there a time where I was just getting beat without throwing punches back its just how my brain worked. I used to think because I was like that, that I deserved it because good kids don’t fight back, they take their beatings and suck it up.

Then when I hit about 30-ish it dawned on me that I was a fucking child, a literal adolecent that didn’t know the mistakes I made would end with me getting punched in the mouth. The only thing valuable I got out of those interactions was learning how to fight.

However, the anger management and probation programs I was in between 12-16 did actually provide value to my life and taught me how to not be a psychopath like my mother. Though admittedly, it took a while for all those classes and workshops to really sink in. I now have the tools I need to understand my own emotions and when I need to walk away from a situation that is upsetting me, and I now understand that my actions have consequences and I don’t get to take them back just because I feel bad after the fact. This took years for me to figure out, and it should have been something I knew from childhood. I was too concerned with feeling like I was a bad kid just for being born not knowing how to do everything perfectly the first time.

Best bet would be to find someone who is experienced with this kind of thing and discuss it rather than asking here. It’s not a stupid question, I just think it will take a long time for you to find the answer you’re looking for here and that you’ll get a lot of opinions rather than actual help.