I hate being in pain, everyone does haha. So I sound like a hypocrite. I feel ready for a relationship, or atleast thought I did but now that it’s over I’m just broken all over again. That was the first feeling of readiness I had in years. I always love more than I receive and I think that’s what fucks me up in the end

but it’s so hard cuz when I get hurt that makes me feel less worthy. It’s so hard like fuck. I know deep down I don’t deserve this stuff but it just happens to me. It’s like my brains used to this pain that it even mentally prepares me for the worst beforehand. I never believe I can have something good for a long time without me fucking ruining it or whatever

I did for a bit and then stopped. I will try to continue with that. It did feel good

It’s so hard to believe my own self worth when I’m always in repeated pain from people. I try so hard man, I’m so tired of it. I’m tired of giving people so much of my energy. I won’t blame myself for everything because I know most of what I did isn’t wrong but I did involve myself I guess in situations where things can go wrong but I never wanted that.

Yea I’m assuming that’s what it is to be honest. I forget so much but I know I went through much u know. It sucks so much. I’m not sure about neuro divergence but I’m going to look more into it. I’m scared I won’t be able to get over it. I don’t want to live in fear from the ones who are suppose to love me and vice versa. I can’t even maintain eye contact properly with people anymore and I feel like I’m always sorry or saying sorry to people and it’s so draining to me. I just want a break. Like I wanna be gone but not in that way. Just like gone from everything

I’m sorry for what you’ve been through. You know, I never blame my parents for anything that they caused me to be or experience. I know it’s their first time living life, they won’t be perfect and we all live once. We all make mistakes and I forgive my father for everything he’s done to me. I grew up to disappoint him I guess so we would get into plenty of arguments (physical, verbal, etc) and it never was good. We wouldn’t talk for months and close to a year at one point and that is what really destroyed me inside. Feeling abandoned in a way. Feeling abandoned but living in the same house? Maybe I’m crazy but that’s how it felt. We are good now, we did have a fight not long ago where some rude things were said but I brushed it off and we talked not long after. But I think what haunts me is that I don’t think I can talk to him normally / look at him in the eyes for a long time without feeling fear. It saddens me. I did sign up for psychotherapy and I believe my first meeting (I think a call) is in may. I’m worried I won’t know where to begin or what to say. I tend to forget so much about my past.

I’m not sure :/ I guess I like to draw and paint but I’m not the best at it.

That’s true. Me myself & I i guess

Thanks for this. I do enjoy being alone I do but it’s so hard to distract myself sometimes when I’m alone the motivation isn’t there and I want to bed rot. I spiral in my own thoughts and it’s so hard to channel it out. I have lowkey been feeling like this for so fucking long, it was starting to get better but now it’s just downhill. I’m trying to work through it but I can’t even talk to my own family because they don’t believe in anything mental health wise. I’ve been told to shut up during panic attacks and I never been comforted the way I wanted to. I don’t know how to find new friends, it’s hard. I am 21 and I feel like at this age like everyone has their “set” and not much people go out to make new friends, I could be wrong

hey, thanks for your comment. I wouldn’t call him misogynistic to be honest. He has been very caring and stuff and accepting of a lot of things I’ve told him. And the whole scam thing is just sending fake nudes for money. It was only one guy and even after I sent them he never sent money so I just let him know he got sent fake nudes lol. It was never anything serious I guess u can say. It was all dumb. I know he’s not the only good thing in my life, I have my family and my school degree that I’m completing. But I won’t say he didn’t much a great impact on me because he did. He really helped me change and grow even if it was in 4.5 months. I learned a lot.

Why is it so hard to accept that? I’m in a lot of denial and just want things to go another chance again. Part of me is so confident we can make things work again but I know I have to respect his choice. U know. I know there will be others but that thought grosses me out. I’m only 21 to be 22 in 4 months and I know I have my whole life ahead of me but I feel like my pain is always repeating

He hates the idea of sharing me or me receiving attention from others and I agree 100% because I feel the same way about girls giving him attentions that’s why I asked him first if he’s fine with it and he agreed. That’s why I didn’t think much of it in the beginning. I’ve been single for years, I do feel ready for a relationship and wants things to work. I’ve been trying really hard to work things out but I think it’s officially set that he wants out, gotta respect that I guess

I even offered my passwords, told him he can text them or whatever to make him feel better but he said no. After the second guy he said he didn’t like it unless it was through GoFundMe me link, and then I was stupid to give someone my Instagram because they said they’d send me money and I sent them the go fund me link on Instagram. I know that part is dumb because if they wanted to help they would’ve just done it on TikTok. But idk. I made that mistake I guess. I apologized so much. He has his insecurities and I have mine but if he had told me about it I would’ve respected it from the very begininning. He was hyping me up in the beginning 2 guys and asking me “have they sent you money yet?” So it was so hard to get it. I thought everything was fine?

I know. I do suffer from depression tbh. I’m working on it and it has improved a lot. Deep down, I know I’ll manage, I’ve been through so much things and pain in my life and I bounced back. I mostly sad that out of sadness. He is one of the good things I have in my life besides my family and my friend. He grew really close to me. Like no one else ever has. Even knowing others for 3+ years. And I understand that, I know the reactions will feel different because like you said, I know it becomes more routine. Love will never be same as when you first meet someone but it’s on the two individuals to do things together to spark it up. I’ve seen my sisters and their husbands go through this. I understand this, idk if he does. I wish he can understand that things can be worked through. No one is perfect, people will upset you in any way, no matter how much you love them and they love you. I know all of this is true. I think I’m just tired of trying to win him back. I really would go back. I have lots of hope of working things out that I think are good. The sexual contact was good but it did make me feel used, but he apologized and I’m moving past it. The mistake I made was giving my Instagram out after me and him had a conversation about followers and stuff (childish I know, I regret it) and I only gave it out because they said they would help with go fund me. But they sent a dick pic, I blocked, and told him immediately. When we were talking about that, I saw he was upset about the Dick pic so I told him the first guy I was texting for money (he knew this) that he also sent stuff I didn’t wanna see. And he got mad that I didn’t tell him that. I asked if that would’ve changed anything and he said yes. He would’ve told me he’s more uncomfortable with it and I get it, I would’ve respected it. But I was equally as traumatized receiving those I just never found a purpose to tell him when I knew I was gonna block them. It’s really Immature and I would never text anyone for money ever again. He just doesn’t think he can trust me again…. Lol.

It was the whole “I went out my way to send someone my Instagram” we talked about Instagram and followers and stuff like 2-3 days before that or whatever and he mentioned he didn’t like people following me and stuff and they get to see what I post or whatever. To be honest, I didn’t care for those people so I honestly removed them. I now only have like around 50-60 following/followers. It doesn’t bother me. I post for myself and not for attention. I respected that because I respected that boundary. So the part he finds broken is how I gave my Instagram for money after we had that whole conversation about Instagram and stuff. I fucking hate social media. It ruins everything. And I’m not going to lie and say I didn’t also feel some way about his following too and whatever but then we talked about it and I didn’t care anymore. Communication is so important to me and it always helps. Towards the beginning of the relationship, he did like this intended thirst trap picture and I was upset and told him, it was super embarassing but he explained and I moved past it. The caption was “hope you’re looking at me like I’m looking at this sushi” and I was grossed out because I didn’t know what he wanted from me at that time u know? It was childish of me of snooping and finding out but I feel like we’ve all done that when we really like someone. I never left him for that. For INTENTIONALLY clicking like or whatever or giving this girl attention (ps. He used to be in her DMs too) but I didn’t care (also cuz she was kind of famous lol) but I’m thinking of it as a bigger aspect. Like when I text old men for money and I get an unexpected photo, or giving Instagram for money, I know it isn’t right and I wouldn’t do it again. But I find it silly because he says I broke his trust and he’s afraid I’ll unintentionally hurt him but he also did the same thing for me? Maybe not the same level but it did hurt me a lot because he knows I’m insecure and I get scared of being compared to other women (my ex did this) but I never left him for that. It’s childish. I don’t throw good things away for something like this. My parents have been through so much, made so much mistakes, they don’t fucking leave?

He said it’s because I made the mistake of doing it again? Like giving my Instagram to give someone my go fund me link and stuff. And the fact that the first guy sent my something and I didn’t tell him … his exact words was “it shouldn’t have happened in the first place”

But what about the mistakes I made with the older men sending me money. That’s what he can’t get over. He said it’s a big issue that I didn’t tell him the first guy sent me disgusting pictures/video and that I gave my Instagram for someone to send me money. I never thought much of it. I was just going to give it, send my GoFundMe link (my bf said only GoFundMe link was okay) and then block them but they just sent me a photo out of nowhere, I blocked and told my boyfriend how bad I felt and sorry. That’s when I told him the first guy sent something too. I just didn’t find a point in saying it before because I didn’t ask nor wanna see that nasty shit.

Thanks for this comment. I’m glad you are your wife are super comfortable and I’m happy you guys are happy with each other :). I am young, I turn 22 in August and he just turned 23 in march. I do have experience as I was in a relationship of 3 years a couple years ago but I was so young. I started dating in grade 9 and he was in grade 12. That relationship destroyed me because I never learned to love myself and I feel like that relationship made everything worse.

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I know. I feel like an idiot for having sex. Part of me felt like there was hope in the relationship. I was always used by men in the past. Had someone tell me I wasted three hours of their day (hanging out) cuz I didn’t suck their dick for three minutes when they dropped me off. It was disgusting. He knows of my Past and I think it’s now killing me that we did all that stuff and then I felt like a shitty person the day after. I just told him that but I don’t want him to think I’m gaslighting him or anything