Early 90s, male, North America

Work computer. I’d wipe it with Linux if I could.

How do you get systemd to work properly? Maybe because I tried to follow MS’s “use your own distro” instructions instead of using something prepackaged?

Many distros (at least Ubuntu) auto-installs security updates, and here a mislabeled “security update” was auto-installed. This is not the fault of the sysadmins.