I’m in this predicament with my soon-to-be 15-year-old son.
Ask about their hobbies and let them talk about it, show interest.
You don’t have to be a pro Counterstrike player or a drummer in their band, but playing a match with them every month on a weekend or chatting them up about how the rehearsal went can’t hurt.
What hobbies does your son have?
This, ask questions, listen to the answers. If the personalities are so very different, I would make sure that i bring an extra dose of patience and chill, so that any moments where the personalities might ‘clash’ or find each other can be passed with respect and empathy, instead of frustration and emotion.
If I need more ‘connection power’, I will omit any negative comments that might float up my brain and keep them for myself for a while, and only focus on sharing my positive or neutral (philosophical?) thoughts about the current subject. Hope you can find some points to connect, but taking this kind of step to help that along is already a great sign :-). If you could update us in a while, I would love that.
EDIT I saw a list of his hobbies you shared, that opens up the convo a lot!
Minecraft, baking and cooking would be my focus, because all of that can be co-op :-) and it aligns with my interests. You could start a Minecraft world together, so he can show you how it works. You could bake a cake together, or bake your own cake and then ask for tips on how to improve? Ask him what is his fav dish to cook and try to make a very good version of it together?
If it was CS or drums it would’ve been a breeze. Makeup, Asian dramas, K-Pop, anime, thrifting, pop music, painting, knitting, reading, cooking, baking, learning dance choreographies, video games such as The Sims, Stardew Valley, Animal Crossing, Minecraft, Roblox, Slime Rancher and mobile games such as Choices & Romance Club, etc. things like that. He’s very close with him mom cause they have a lot in common.
your son sounds badass, read some shoujo and meet tom nook while spinning brat
You’re telling me you can’t appreciate art, eating food your son has made, or playing a simple game like the Sims or Minecraft? What do you like then?
And if he’s like his mother, how do you get along with her?
What do I like? Hm, I like playing soccer, I like working out at the gym, I like going fishing, camping and hunting, I like woodwork and tinkering around the house, I like yard work and gardening, I like riding my bike and motorcycle, hiking, etc. well, my wife enjoys doing any activity as long as we’re together, my son isn’t like that.
I hear so many opportunities in there. He likes painting, you like woodworking, make wood panels to paint, and design the ideas together—you could even paint them while camping and drawing inspiration from what you see. You like gardening, he likes cooking, collaborate on home grown meals together. Hell, you can even design an elaborate garden in the Sims.
There are opportunities to step into each others world and see what fits, but you have to step into his just as much as he steps into yours.
Blue lock is a popular soccer anime out now. And for gardening there is Chainsaw man
The boxing anime Hajime no Ippo perhaps?
Name an anime that builds hype better than Ippo.
Difficulty: Impossible
First of all, you actually know what your son is into and want to connect with him which is awesome. That makes you a good dad right away.
He likes cooking and you like outdoorsy stuff, so BBQ sounds like a good overlap.
Anime is a wide enough genre that it has options for you. Blue Lock is a currently popular show about soccer players. That might be something you both could watch. Also, just watch Cowboy Bebop with him. Everyone likes Cowboy Bebop.
For games, Stardew Valley has lots of fishing, foraging, and dungeon delving elements that you would probably enjoy if you game at all. (You might also see if your son just wants to take walks in the woods since it’s such a pastoral game that might appeal) Minecraft is something everyone can enjoy. It’s digital Legos more or less.
Personally I find knitting oddly enjoyable in a lot of the same ways as woodworking. You are making something tangible which is great. It takes a lot of patience and persistence. You are working with a medium that doesn’t always cooperate the way you want but that’s part of the challenge.
I can see why you made this post. What a peculiar set of interests. Could probably find some crafts to do with him.
peculiar? those are all very common interests, just stereotypically feminine
I’d be saying the same if OP’s son was his daughter. I’d never have guessed them.
Just choose any of these things and participate with him. You could take him to a bookstore or library if he likes reading. Learn to cook steaks together (or teach him). Play Minecraft together. Have him show you how to knit (or take him to the store for knitting supplies). Watch YouTube tutorials on something he likes.
I get it, I have a kiddo that is super into in ground sprinkler systems and space heaters. Sometimes it is hard to find a way to participate.
CS as in computer science? Go minecraft. Learn how to play with him. Then learn about redstone. Then you can show him amazing things you can do in minecraft with programming.
The anime fruits basket starts off with the daughter living in a tent in the forest, estranged from her family. Maybe you can move your son into a tent and he will get the irony.
Cooking and outdoor BBQ seems to be a match, but even so, even talking about hobbies can be nice. Just ask him about how it’s going what bands he likes, and see if you can take him to a concert or get him an album for example. He’ll enjoy the concert, you’ll be there for the time spent together. Or the painting-woodworking thing someone said.
I think the trick is to approach it from an angle of “I want to participate in your hobby with you”, and see what you can bring to it, and that might get him hooked on reciprocating. Trying to get him to go first with doing the same might more likely result in disinterest.
You just have to ask about stuff. If they have a close relationship with their mom and you’re good at bonding with her then it should be very similar.
Relationships can be like a workout where it takes a bit of effort and energy but after a while it’ll get easier. At least that’s how it is with coworkers for me. I talk and ask questions and try to throw a joke in there and see what sticks, after a while we’re regular ol buds
The same way you take an interest in any other person.
Ask them what they like and why they like it. Make it clear that you would like to understand.
And absolutely do NOT react in any way negatively. No “that’s it”, no nothing, no “ew”, no disappointment, nothing. If he tells you he watches paint dry in his free time, ask him what color and if you can join him some time. And be persistent and try make specific plans, I have relatives I like with shared hobbies and we barely manage to schedule something.
If your son already has a hobby it’s kind of easier because you can ask him about things he did and things he finds inspiring. If he’s doing performance or sports, you can watch and support him doing that? Shop for equipment together, etc… If he has a competitive, creative problem don’t pressure him and reassure him.
If he likes media, try to lend some of his and try to enjoy it. Usually, even with hobbies you dislike, there is a point where it’s somewhat interesting if you are motivated to learn about it. That does take some time though and you will need to invest that time. You can just weave in a quick “… and how is your [x] going”. That’s reserved for more distant relatives.
But also he’s 15 so none of that may work for biological reasons.
And also, it takes two. If you want to bond, but he does not, period, there isn’t really much you can do, except persistently offer it.
To build a bit on this, be patient with him! Even if he keeps saying not, it doesn’t matter, he’ll probably still appreciate it. Especially in the future. And it’ll show him that you’re interested in him, even if he doesn’t outwardly show it, it’s a huge boost coming from a parent.
Food! Everyone has to eat, unless they are super picky, maybe it could be a small starting point. There are also miscellaneous hobbies/things like board game cafes or something the whole family can do together.
When I was that age though I was kind of an ass, but it was mostly because my opinions/thoughts were trodden over by my parents. So everyone recommending listening/talking/showing interest is 100%.
Honestly…I don’t.
Like I love my parents but we’re not really into any of the same stuff. (Well technically all of us went to engineering school, but they’re not really interested in engineering/math/physics for its own sake like I am.)
But also that’s fine with me because I know they’re there for me.
For similar reasons, I’m not very close to any of my family members, even the ones I like… which is fine. We don’t need to be close to love/support/trust each other.
So I think that if you really share zero interests with your son, it’s fine if you acknowledge his interests and remind him that you’ll be there for him and that you love him.
This is always an option. You don’t have to force it. As a personal example, I love pretty much everyone in my family but I don’t share any of their interests. Just talk with your son and be supportive like how the poster says. Who knows, might find some common interest eventually.
Give it time, too. I didn’t discover I’m an absolute fishing fiend until I was 28, and now I’m out with my dad as often as we can. Same with woodworking and building stuff, I picked that all up when I bought a house.
Do I wish I had known this about myself when we lived together? Of course, but I’d be a very different person I suspect and I like who I am.
Be consistent in your availability. Listen to him when he speaks. Listen as if he’s got something to say that you don’t already know.
You were once a 15 year old. You are both living on the same planet, among the same species. You both eat, sleep, and have the same set of emotions: fear, love, shame, etc.
I have to avoid my father almost entirely while living in the same house. We are polar opposites and completely incompatible. I’ve learned to appreciate him for what he is, but also know how toxic he is for my mental health and constantly remind myself of Hanlon’s Razor, (assume stupidity over malice).
Wow is this me? Same situation, but conflicted because even though I find him an awful person he’s always provided for my family and continues to let me live rent free. We probably interact once a week.
Hanlon’s razor doesn’t work because any sufficiently stupid action is indistinguishable from malice
Trauma bond over shared family drama.
Ha ha. I was going to say guilt and shame. But this is better.
Good on you for recognizing the difference and trying your best, but some people are just different. If you met a guy like your son somewhere else in your life, would you hang out with them? Probably not. The bond keeping you and your son together is that you’re family.
I don’t dislike my parents, but the only reason I talk to them is because they regularly invite me over for supper. If they didn’t do that we’d probably never talk. That seems to scare the hell out of them, so regular suppers is what they’ve decided on. I have a friend who is really into board games. His parents decided they’d have regular game nights where they get together to play one of his board games.
Your son will eventually become independent and you’ll need to have a reason to keep in touch. He’s probably not going to take up woodworking so you’ll have to find some other reason to get together.
Side note! I’m an anime k-pop guy and my father is a woodworking police officer. We don’t see current events or politics the same way, but we don’t argue! I’m not afraid to express my true thoughts to my father because I know he’s not going to get upset. If you do want to talk about your son’s interests with him, then do so with an open mind. Maybe he likes these things because he sees the world differently than you and he might not want to express himself if he’s worried you’ll argue.
Our family has started doing board game nights just to help us all stay in touch.
The bond that keeps OP and their son together is family, but the bond that keeps you tied to your family is free food?
I said bond but I didn’t mean to imply it actually binds people. If two people work at the same place they also have a bond, but that doesn’t mean they get along. Unlike coworkers, family can’t really become not family, but again it doesn’t mean they get along.
The only reason OP wants to talk to someone who shares none of their interests is because that someone is family. There is no reason they’d talk otherwise. I was trying to say they need to have a reason to talk besides being related.
Empathy is the key.
Topics / hobbies etc. are all the same then.
I’m trying my best. But he seems to feel very uncomfortable around me. Actually around any male, he has no male friends. He bonds extremely well with female family members on the other hand.
Honestly, from the large list of things you mentioned he likes that you struggle with, and you saying that it would be easy for you to connect with Counter Strike even though other games are on his list, I’m wondering if you are emotionally cut off from your sensitive and creative side. That would definitely make a sensitive and creative kid feel a little lost around you.
Ever been in therapy?
fr. if you can play cs you can play Minecraft. hell it’s basically a wilderness survival game at it’s core.
CS is good but just have fun with it. So many player take it seriously so I goof it up a bit. And always be running and gunning. Those guys that crouch and aim are missing out.
how familiar are you with the concepts of gender identity and expression?
you can’t bond with your kid!? learn about what he likes, wtf is this.
I don’t know why you’re downvoted.
OP, it’s your kid. It’s past time to figure out what they are into. I promise there is something that you can at least get a little into.
My kid likes banjo/mountain music. Not my thing but I enjoy seeing live shows with them because they enjoy it and I enjoy live shows.
If it’s your son, I’d go with you need to take interest in them as a person. Idk I found it’s not too hard to relate to people. While we’re all very different, it’s often the same underlying things that are important to us. Plus, if you’re talking to a mildly intelligent person, you’ll often find it’s not too hard to keep a conversation going. Find out why they like it. What’s so special about that hobby. Learn something about it and broaden your horizon. Maybe there’s something to it. And it goes both ways… If they’re open to (new things) maybe they like to listen to you talking about woodworking. Or you can combine the hobbies and create something korean on the lathe (I’m making this up. But that should be possible with some topics, if you want to bond and spend some time together.)
I’m going to jump right in here and say the only problem is with you. Sounds like your kid is really active and you refuse to try and get into his world. Try having a non-vebal autistic son to do things with. I dream to be in your situation, so get over whatever hangups you have with his interests and make a change with yourself. Watch anime, play CS, learn the guitar. You can fish later when he isn’t around anymore.
As a guy in your situation on the other side (20 YO, only nerd in my family and none of them share my taste in basically anything), I just… don’t. I mean I just kinda exist and do my thing, because while I love them we’re too different to connect over much of anything.
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