I won’t be able to respond to answers until tomorrow on this but I will come back.
So, I’m early 40’s and had the same group of like 10+ friends since my mid teens. I am unique in that I’m a nerd but also quite streetwise because I spent all my time with my chav mates. I only mention this for context that we may all have been fundamentally different people and it’s just due to a shit home life I ended up wanting to chill with friends more than my desire to just geek out and learn random stuff or pursue whatever special interest I have at the time.
Around 5 years ago I got diagnosed with ADHD and it really got my life on track after medication. At the same time I was lucky enough to land a job on the Genius Bar for Apple and they supported me through the diagnosis and then bettering my life.
I managed to upskill and I’m now a software developer. Now during this time I was still abusing a lot of drugs: cocaine socially, Xanax (from the darkweb) when depressed, and weed lots of fucking weed.
Gradually I started making better choices and not really touching cocaine aside from as a treat every so often. Weed I can smoke at weekend whilst I go rock climbing and not do it in the week and don’t need to do it at weekend either. Xanax I stopped cold turkey and almost died.
I then started to notice that most of my friends were fair weather friends and they didn’t treat our friendship with the same consideration I would when making decisions. So me and my longest friend decided to just cut out those people from our lives and it’s been just me and him chilling together a lot, but now he is really annoying and I’m noticing more and more how selfish and negative he is.
To give a couple of examples:
- If I tell someone I’m going to be there in 30 minutes. Then I’m going to be there around that time and if not I would keep them updating or rush to keep time. He last week text to say he was dropping his dad off and will be at mine. Now we have each other on FindMy so if one loses our phone we can still find it. So I know how long it takes to get to his dads and then to mine. I get offered lunch at home and decline cause I think he won’t be long. 2.5 hours later no word and on FindMy he is still at his dads. So I text to say I’m going out for cause I’m hungry and he is a long guy. No remorse from him at all. He will message sometimes to say come out (as he is coming to pick me up) but I check FindMy and he’s 10-15 mins away. So why inconvenience me and make me stand outside when he ain’t even close.
- again tonight I was coming back from work on the train and we were going to link up, but he had football training and said he would be back at 20:20. I get to town at 18:00 so it’s not worth getting home at 19:15 to go back out an hour later so I said no worries I’ll chill in town and get some food and be back in our town at 20:20. I get off the tram at 20:16 and text to say hey just getting off tram and he replies I’ve got 4 lads to take home then drop my kid at his mums (adult kid) and then he’ll be back. Which means about 21:00. So why tell me 20:20? I just said no worries I’m going home to bed.
- these things happen several times a week and it frustrates me that they don’t think of me with the same consideration as I do them.
- last example even though I have hundreds. He owes me £600 and on Monday asked for another £70 but this is until Wednesday. This morning I put a question mark next to the message that he asked for the money, as a prod to say did you forget. He responded with I said Wednesday it’s only Thursday stop sweating me 😂. Like WTF. Thursday is after Wednesday and all I did was ask.
So i guess my question is how do i deal with the fact I’ve wasted so much time on these people that clearly don’t care as much as i do and that the friendship is one sided.
I honestly feel like writing the £600 off as the price to just fuck him off and do my own thing. I don’t think I can find new friends as I’m older now but honestly I would spend more than £600 paying for things like food and days out on him before I actually get the money he owes me back and it hurts man. Like really bad and I don’t know what to do.
The other thing, and I’ll try keep this the final thing as I know I’m rambling now due to frustration and just being sad, is that although I can be depressed a lot and not want to be alive, not that I want to end it, but I’d rather not be here type thing. Is I keep that shit bottled up and try and be positive around other people and I genuinely always try not to dwell on negatives and use positive intent with people as negatively is crippling. This guy is the epitome of negativity, like just moans all the time. Moans about traffic whilst he is traffic, moans about cyclists even though that’s one less car on the road, moans about literally anything. He could find £20 on the floor and find a negative in it.
Fuck. I feel better just getting this off my chest to be honest but would appreciate any insights, advice, or similar stories that might help me not be impulsive.
Edit: He did just message to say sorry about that football was a piss take, which shows he did actually think about it when he got finished, but he still would have known he had to stop people off before we made our arrangements.
I identify with so much of this. First off, I, first half forties, also did the Genius Bar to software development track. Good on ya. Leveling up your skills while working that demanding job says a lot.
There are multiple things I’d suggest. First, since you’ve invested a lot of time in the relationship, just approach him honestly and directly and let him know that these trends annoy you. Let him know that it’s disrespectful and ask him if to take your time into consideration. If he gets offended or objects, fuck him.
Next, I also have a tendency to hate life (even though I’ve got a good one, it’s more like I hate the world and our trajectory) and think about wishing I wasn’t alive. Same thing. Don’t want to die. Just don’t want to be here. Think about getting into therapy. I’m a huge advocate for talk therapy as it enabled me to radically change the course of my life. I was emotionally underdeveloped, diagnosed bi-polar, and hated myself. I reached the point of loving myself in 2019. It was a huge accomplishment.
Further, plan on seeing more than one therapist before finding the right one. I’ve had to meet at least one dud before finding a good fit each time (decades of therapy, moved to a different part of the country, one retired after a lot of years, so four duds and three good fits). Don’t give up because the chemistry isn’t a good match. Try again.
Finally, some of the friends that I’ve made came from online apps. One is someone I went on a date with and we liked each other but had no romantic chemistry. This person is now one of my closest friends and she and her partner do stuff with me and my partner today. You can use the apps in a just-looking-for-friends mode. Just let your partner know ahead of installing them (you said you were offered food and I’m guessing your software dev job means no roommate).
Good luck!
Yo, chill. Some people are really bad at time estimation. Some people forget about shit. Sometimes life just happens. He may not be certain why he’s doing the things he’s doing, or he may think it’s not a big deal. Communication is important, but often neglected when it comes to male platonic relationships. If you haven’t been communicating these things, do it. And be gentle. There’s the chance that he may honestly be aware but doesn’t know why these things are happening; he just hasn’t said anything because you haven’t.
I just said no worries I’m going home to bed.
Like this right here. No. You don’t say this unless you mean it. Don’t lie to your friends, don’t lie to yourself. If it bothers you, say something.
And the most important thing about all this is to try not to be confrontational. Again, he may be aware that he’s fucking up. It may be something he’s very insecure about.
He responded with I said Wednesday it’s only Thursday stop sweating me 😂.
Like, this suggests to me that he may be aware and that it’s possibly eating him. Or maybe he meant next Wednesday.
Is I keep that shit bottled up and try and be positive around other people and I genuinely always try not to dwell on negatives and use positive intent with people as negatively is crippling.
Also, take it from someone who used to do this, this is extremely toxic to yourself; and your friend’s constant negativity isn’t healthy either. You’re both on the extremes here, it might be worth trying to help him find the good things by talking to him and pointing out the silver linings in things while asking him to let you vent when life’s eating you up.
Thanks for the reply.
I absolutely get that some people are bad with time estimations, as it’s one of the hurdles for someone with ADHD and I have had to really work hard to improve on my time planning skills.
I think it’s more than life just happens though as it’s consistent. Like every time we are linking up. He sets expectations of me that I can’t set of him. He will be late 99% of the time and shrug it off likes it’s nothing, but if I leave my house a few mins later because I was speaking to family longer than expected then he would call me out for it. Like we live in Manchester and we could be in Liverpool where we all know it’s 50 mins to drive back home. His son could ring and he would say I’ll be back in 20 mins. Even if I said bro it’s an hour drive he would just say yeah it’s fine he’s slow anyway. Like that is not bad time keeping that is just thinking about him not wanting to wait when he gets back but his kid could be ready 40 mins early now.
Do you mean don’t say no worries if I don’t mean it? As I agree I shouldn’t have done that, but I also didn’t want to just moan as whenever I do he shrugs it off as not an issue.
I’ve given him the benefit of the doubt for 25 years and his behaviour isn’t changing and perhaps he has undiagnosed issues that he needs to address, but that is something he has to want to do and I would support him in that.
The money thing I don’t think was eating him, just that he was a day late and I don’t care about it being late. Shit I probably spend £200 a month just funding him cause he never has money. It was the putting blame on me for having the audacity to prod him.
I know I am an idiot for isolating when down because when I spiral I can spiral bad and it’s a self feeding cycle then that becomes hard to get out of and I do try these days to still socialise even if I don’t want to be here.
Finally, I have tried for so long to point out silver linings, but he just isn’t receptive to change or growth. Like the moaning about cyclists example, if I say that’s one less car on the road taking up space he’s like nah fuck em they’re assholes and they don’t pay road tax. Like WTF that doesn’t even make sense. Why hate something so much when it means nothing.
The same for complaining about traffic when we are part of the traffic. What makes our journey more important than anyone’s else’s journey?
If he complains about immigrants and I try and say hey these people are all coming here working jobs and paying taxes and spending that money I our community, maybe we should think why the media wants us hating poor people instead of the dude with billions of pounds.
Or how he hates on trans people, when I try and ask why he doesn’t know. He just reads the news and has hatred for people he has never met.
This is actually something all our other friends used to comment on that he is exhausting to be around as he literally never sees the good in anything.
I am aware I am emotional right now so I’m not making any decisions in this state and just wanted to vent a little and get some perspectives of others.
What’s amusing about the negativity is he works with another friend who we all lost contact with 10 years ago as he got married and stuff and he complains about that guys negativity and how it drains him, so perhaps he doesn’t realise he is almost as bad as that guy but it was amusing to hear him complain about the same things he does.
Yeah, I can see how that’d get to you. I’d highly recommend seeing if you can get him to sit down with you and have a chat about this stuff. Based on what you’ve said, however, he does seem like a toxic person. I dunno what else to say. I’ve been on both sides of this and it sucks both ways. It sucks when you have to break off a friendship because they’re toxic and won’t address it, and it sucks when someone breaks off from you because you’re the toxic one.
The only thing I can suggest is to spend some time talking, you know? Just… try to avoid sounding confrontational or angry. That’ll potentially cause the two of you to escalate. If it doesn’t work, then I’d consider leaving him but doing so with an olive branch: that if he works on himself then you’ll be happy to be friends again, but that you need space right now because he’s dragging you down. That said, it’d leave you friendless buuuuut… you could look around and see if there are any clubs, like gardening, automotive, books, etc that you might be interested in, even if it’s just a passing interest. That might allow you to make some new friends in the meantime.
Edit: also, give him some time after you chat. If this is truly habitual then it might take some time and multiple reminders for him to “get with the program”.
Put him on a payment plan, so that instead of asking for 600 every time you talk to him you ask for 60 and it’s not a huge deal.
I must not have explained that part well enough.
I was only asking for the last borrow of £70 back which was meant to be last Wednesday. The remaining £600 is already in a payment plan and once he has cleared his debts with other people first.
You’re never too old to make new friends. I’m mid 30’s and started a new job in a different city last year. Just talk to people casually, say good morning, ask how they are, just simple pleasantries. I haven’t hung out with these people mostly because of living proximity, but I’m chummy with most, we play some games together, and I think we enjoy each other’s company. I have little doubt that if I asked to hang out or grab a drink, people would do so if available. Most of these people are 5-10 years younger, so we do have a gap in life experiences, but I’ve found that the age gap matter less the older I get. I can give wisdom and tell stories of my life and their lives kind of make me feel a little younger again.
As someone that has just been screened for ADHD and waiting for my follow-up, I feel like I can relate to your experience. A lot of what you said resonates with my life other than the coke and Xanax. The weed is real, and unfortunately, the booze for me. I’ve gone through plenty of introspection and have identified places where I know I can be a turd friend. I noticed how I was negative a lot, and have taken conscious steps to not burden my friends. Don’t get me wrong, we’ll piss and moan about things, but I had to make the effort to be better. I’m not good and time estimating no matter how confident I am. If I’m meeting with people setting times, I will for sure over estimate what I think is right so I don’t make people wait. Really, my wife has been extremely invaluable in my adult life, and I’d probably be in a much worse place if not for that support.
I say all of this because as I think that you know, not all all negative actions are intentional or sometimes even recognizable when you’re doing it. I’ve lost sleep over saying the wrong thing or doing something that is a minor inconvenience because I feel so guilty. I feel like from your story, that maybe your friend has issues and isn’t intentionally screwing you. To parrot one of the other posts, I would say talk to your buddy about things that bother you. Don’t come in hot or anything, just ease into it. Anyone that is a real friend will listen to your concerns and at least try to make an effort. Some people are blind to their issues and maybe just needs someone to help them out.
Best of luck my dude. It’s tough out there and I hope you find your way through this one. Don’t be afraid to meet new people.
If you haven’t read up on setting boundaries now is a good time. Practice setting them and remember that people will not like it sometimes, but that’s okay. Change is hard sometimes, but it sounds like you’re ready for one. Best of luck to you!
There are roughly 8 billion people in this world. That’s a lot of possibilities!
Don’t lose your positivity for anyone in life no matter the relationship. Keep your mind open and let the emotional flow well flow don’t stop the emotional flow because then you stop in that emotional state.
Hold your head up and focus on being your authentic self. The rest plays out as it’s supposed to.
I used to feel this way all the time. I left all of them for atheism and a strong desire for more self growth. I grew a ton, but I have no friends. That is mostly because I was on a bicycle and in a crash with 2 SUVs 11 years ago and am stuck in involuntary social isolation.
Be cognizant of doing things for people that they would not do for you. Don’t feel guilty for interacting with stupid people on their level. If you are objectively the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room. It is okay to grow, acknowledge this, and act upon it.
Thanks for the reply. I didn’t manage to fall asleep yet, so figured I’d check for replies.
I am sorry that you went through that with your friends and that you had to make that choice and I’m sorry for your accident, I can’t even imagine how that must feel.
I am starting to realise I shouldn’t do things for people that they wouldn’t do for me, but I also can’t just change who I am. If I can help someone or do something for them or be considerate then I just will.
It sounds arrogant to say I am the smartest person in the room, but that’s exactly what it’s been like with this group all my life. Sure other smart people have been around, oddly many of them were drug dealers. At work I am not the smartest person in the room so I guess I have two rooms now.
I also asked this to ChatGPT, the horror, and funnily it said something similar in that it’s okay to grow and I shouldn’t dwell on lost time with these friends as these experiences have made me who I am today. Altgohhh easier said than done.
I would recover that debt, then set boundaries.
If somebody can show up on time, or keep their word regularly, life is too long to be sitting around with a dick in your hand when you could banging hookers while hitting the rails…
it is is amazing how these types of clowns are never late for that type of event
Thanks for the reply.
This is the major factor for me, as I waste so much time waiting around and stuff and for me time is the most precious thing. I don’t care about money really, as long as I can pay my bills and do my hobbies it’s secondary to having fun pursuing my hobbies.
You’re also spot on about how his time keeping is improved back when I would be getting fucked up with them more frequently. Which to me highlights their priorities. Now as an addict (recovering) myself I tend to give people a lot of slack because I get it and I get what comes from that lifestyle. It’s just recently it’s been stressing me more.
Maybe I’ve spoiled him too much too because now a lot of the time it’s just expected that I’m buying food or paying for his fuel when we go to climb outside or something. Like he would even suggest we get takeaway for tea but has no money. Like what. I would never do that. Or if I offer him a drink from the shop he would say yes because it’s a free drink and not because he needs a drink right then, where I would be like nah I’m good if I don’t need one.
I am terrible with time and stress and managing all that and it definitely backfires on my friends. Especially when The Day comes and I have somehow stacked overlapping plans. I dont do it on purpose but the stress of life is honestly becoming overwhelming for me and it does spill over to effect my plans with my friends. Maybe talk to them? I try and my friends are very understanding but they do get annoyed. Its why I never make plans, to stressed to remember them.
I can relate to this as before my diagnosis or when I was in a really low spot I would make plans and then the day comes and I don’t want to move because I am not in the headspace to keep to them, but I would let people know.
Maybe talk to them?
I am willing to give this a go, although I have no idea how I would phrase it and I feel it would not be seen as constructive, but I shouldn’t just assume that and maybe I should try again.
I dont do it on purpose but the stress of life is honestly becoming overwhelming for me and it does spill over to effect my plans with my friends.
Have the decency to cancel fast, then.
Frankly, at the second time you fail an agreed time without timely warning, I’d drop you like a hot potato and go fully NC.
Thats cool. One problem, its hard to cancel when your stress addled brain forgot.
Yeah, well, when the number of people you leave behind starts dwindling, you’ll have that problem less and less.
You’re taking this too personally. I’m already in my 30s bud. That happens regardless.
if he can find a negative on everything, it won’t be too difficult to find one on you, just my two cents.
