As a shut in with social anxiety and very introverted I’m wondering how to find friends now that I got better. Basically starting from zero since I know nobody in my city so I’m wondering if someone has some experience with finding friends as lonely anxious introvert and just how other people find friends.
Work. But I feel like they don’t deserve me, they deserve someone better. I hate being lonely but I also hate wasting people’s time.
Hobbies were always my go to in the past, but honestly I didn’t have a ton of luck with that. I’ve made most of my new friends this past year in one of three ways:
- Starting a group for people like me. I run a small but global chat group for people to find friends, I won’t be linking it for privacy and safety reasons even in DMs, sorry.
- Activism. Activists are the nicest people on the planet and just being in their presence generates friends. I’m on my way home from a huge protest, and I basically just walked around and sat in tents and people just befriended me without me prompting at all. The exposure at events like this has boosted my confidence a huge amount and now I’m one of those people who actively befriends others too.
- Volunteering. Same thing as activism tbh, you build a sense of camaraderie very easily when you’re working towards a common goal. I cooked about ~1000 meals at that protest as a volunteer cook and made about 20 friends in the first hour, it’s nuts.
Hobby oriented stuff. Take a look at meetup.com or public recurring Facebook events. From a nerdy perspective also; Game stores that host groups and events public clubs like I have a monthly anime club near me for instance.
Recently…they’ve kind of just adopted me. I’m incredibly shy, but I had been going to a little local coffee shop (just to get out of the house) and always tried to be kind and engage with the people working there when they would talk with me. I had a few really emotional weeks, and one of the owners picked up on it. She handed me a note with her number, and let me know I could always talk with her. She ended up inviting me to a little Halloween pumpkin painting night with some of her friends, and I connected with them super well! Now they invite me out to little activities, food, movie nights, etc.
That’s kind of how I’ve meant most of the friends I’ve had- be kind, be interested, and be present! People get more comfortable the more they see you around, so even if you’re a little shy or awkward, someone might extend a hand and bring you into their circle.
She handed me a note with her number, and let me know I could always talk with her.
That is awesome. I wish men got this kind of support when they are showing distress in public.
edit: I should clarify, not the ‘giving phone number’ part, just some support. In my experience men who look like they are suffering in any way are just actively avoided.
Never really thought of that, but it’s so true how men showing distress just get avoided or ignored…
You’re going to have to get out of the house and interact with people, whether that is at work or some other group function. Some people use bars/clubs for that, others use church. Some engage in sports or gym, some join a book club. Seek out situations that force interaction with others and be open to it without making it weird by seeming needy.
Just do what I do.
When you’re feeling lonely, just go out into public and talk to the first person you see. Once that painful experience is over, just go home and be grateful you don’t have to do that again.
Do you have an hobbies that may have groups in your area? What about volunteering somewhere if feasible?
All my hobbies are inside, gaming, movies, anime, tv shows, cooking/baking. Was looking into some larp club but there are only for kids and teenagers.
Local game shops will definitely have board game nights
gaming
Pokémon Club! I went with my kids ages ago, and I’m the only one that habitually goes now.
Half the group are below 5-20, the other half are 20 and above - and it’s an absolute riot. I’ve made some decent friends, taken Pokémon Go raid bosses that I’d never have been able to take in a rural area normally, and the adult-only raid walks are just a good excuse to chat bollocks. I’m not really in to the TCG side of things, but even the people who I don’t have much in common with are awesome for type and counter knowledge.
I’m not even big into the Pokémon series, it’s just an excuse to talk shite for an hour and rinse some XP.
Agree with LBS/LGS!! If you live in an area that doesn’t have those maybe try discord groups of some games you like? Or be a rando in some group games and maybe find friends that way
For inside hobbies there’s board game groups, tabletop roleplaying, TCGs (Magic, Pokemon). A lot of Local Game stores run events that don’t require you to know anyone to start. If you like cooking, there could be local classes or a short course run by a college that you could do.
More out of left field, I found that dancing introduces you to a lot of people. Lindy Hop (vintage swing dancing), Salsa, Bootscooting. Pick your poison and there is likely to be a dozen classes or social dances in your area. Not for everyone of course, but usually if someone goes out to dance they want to be social, so you’re bound to find someone to chat with.
Cooking and baking classes are fun and a good place to meet people.
Have any outdoor hobbies ever interested you? Never too late to get into something new.
Let me know if you figure it out. I plan to start doing yoga, so we’ll see how that goes.
Playing tennis. There’s local clubs that have social mixers where you play a few games and then switch courts and play with different people. There’s USTA matches that pair you with people at your level. It’s fun too
Maybe it’s possible for you to do some further education or a diploma? It brings you regularly together with people with common interests.
I have made real-life friends on Instagram (well, back when insta was still semi decent), it’s much easier for me to make the first move by text than try to do it face to face. Discord maybe? Activist groups in my experience are a good place to find like-minded people and they are usually welcoming to newcomers, same thing with underground-ish/alternative art/culture spaces – if you are into any of that. Usually you can contact someone beforehand to show you around. For me it’s really difficult to go to unknown social groups alone so the usual suggestion to “start a new hobby” doesn’t really work.
Meetup. Or really a any situation where you’re with people doing the same activity.
